My Life in Four Parts

17Dec08

I think you can’t really assert an identity
or feeling of yourself unless you go through a process
of searching, and I really mean applying your heart and soul,
your body; a process which usually needs to be traumatic,
maybe not in the most physical sense of the word,
but traumatic nonetheless. Otherwise, it doesn’t leave a trace.

I mean, you have known, I’m sure,
people who have lived very happily and yet these people are characterless,
and the people who have character are usually people
who in most cases, are people who have gone through what we call
deeply impressive experiences.

I think we need to pay that price, you can’t buy it.

Kuo Pao Kun

It’s in my blood, I feel it. This rut creeps through my gut, gnaws at my heart and follows every one of my breath. A part of me enjoys the paralysis of it but it is getting heavy on the shoulders, slowing me down, step by step. I seem to be in search for something, a sign, maybe a trauma to break out of it. Suddenly, my past and future all come rushing at one another, colliding at my present. I’m living in a future that has already past.

these finals hours embrace at last; this is our ending, this is our past.

I have this drawing by Robyn O’Neil stuck on my wall now. Staring at it just makes me feel small and for some moments the weight of the world just lessens. And I wonder, what does it feel like in those moments when one is about to let go of it all?

Things only cast a shadow where light is projected. You can never really capture a shadow, because the minute you take the light away, the darkness disappears. Like in a gothic, we are terrified of the darkest darkness. We want to see it. But let’s say you want to see the sahdow better. You put light on the shadow, but then the shadow disappears. At the same time, the more light there is, the less you see of the subtlety, the qualities that shadows produce. This is art to me, that space in between, an exact spot you cannot capture, or can only capture for a very short time.

Dyveke Sanne on her fascination with shadows

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2 Responses to “My Life in Four Parts”

  1. 1 GL

    Interesting blog! What are you studying in NTU?

  2. Hi, I’m studying journalism… you are?


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